September 23, 2018 (continued)
Let me tell you about my current situation. I am waiting expectantly on God to answer my prayers on bringing me a Christian husband who is a God fearing and God loving man. Here’s the thing… I believe that I’ve already met him and have actually already gone on a couple of dates with him. The catch – I messed it up early on with a selfish defense mechanism based on past hurt. Not long ago I read something that said, “If you don’t’ heal what hurt you, you’ll bleed on people who didn’t cut you.” I have no idea who wrote that – it wasn’t attributed to anyone in particular, but that’s exactly what I did. Let me fill in some of the gaps and show you what I believe was God’s providential hand now that I look back on how things happened.
I met this man online through a popular dating website (scoff if you must). While I entered the online dating scene almost a year ago I didn’t really start taking things seriously until spring 2018. I hadn’t really met anyone that I believe God would have approved of until Kyle and I met in early July 2018. Let me back up a little though. I hadn’t met anyone worth meeting at all until Kyle. I had one particularly disappointing experience in mid-June 2018 with a man that I had known off and on for 14 years. But, even as I was walking out the door to go on my first date with the guy (after talking for some time), I prayed that if it was not God’s will for God to let me know. Well, in spectacular fashion (just after I prayed) my shoe fell apart before I left the house and delayed my departure. There was another glitch before I left the house as well (I can’t remember what it was right now though) but the biggest one of all was that I was stood up by my date. What’s strange is that Brandon and I had been chatting just two hours prior to our date and things seemed to be fine. I was upset about being stood up; but, in the end I’m thankful for God protecting me from something that I’m sure would have been destructive. Even in the communication by phone and text messages I wasn’t sure about him; but, I thought that there might be potential. I should have known then that God wasn’t in it; I just didn’t feel His presence in the situation.
Well, a few weeks passed and on July 5, 2018 I did something somewhat uncharacteristic of me and posted something on my personal Facebook page expressing my hopes, fears, and dreams of a future Christian husband. I really didn’t expect anyone to say anything, but to my humble surprise my family and friends gave me encouragement and let me know that they were praying for me. It was so touching! Not two days later my interaction with Kyle began. It was surreal! Let me repeat that – Not two days later after my friends and family prayed for me to find a good Christian man, Kyle came into my life. We began chatting by text messages at first and on July 9, 2018 we talked on the phone for the first time and talked for 10 hours straight! Neither one of us got any sleep that night and we both went to work bleary eyed. It was the most natural connection that I’ve ever experienced in my life! What’s even better is that we both expressed the same sentiment. We continued to talk the rest of the week for hours on end each night… about 30 hours over seven days. We talked about God, our lives past and present, and our hopes for the future. Some people are going to scoff at what I have to say next, but we even broached the topic of possibly spending the rest of our lives together. It was said in a round about way, but when a man says that he can see himself spending a long time with you, until he’s an old man, you know what he means. We were very thoughtful about what we were saying and didn’t want to get ahead of ourselves, but it was an undeniable connection. Plus, when God’s in it, you just know! When we met a week later it was just as surreal and we continued to talk about our lives; and, without talking about any details, we broached the topic of marriage as well. It was in a very general sort of way. But, if a man mentions anything about marriage when talking with you then you listen. I understand how crazy this sounds – I would be thinking the same thing if I were you! We went on a couple of dates and spent about 24 hours together over those dates. Spending time together was so easy and natural. My feelings were affirmed when he thanked me for our last date together and said that he had a great time. I didn’t feel like I had to analyze things either!
Our long phone conversations stopped since we had met, but we continued to text and share information with each other. But, my fears got the best of me (or maybe the worst of me?). I was fighting the sensibility in me along with the recent hurt inside of me. Guess what won? Yep, the hurt inside of me. I was concerned that maybe I had misunderstood something, and I lashed out and said something hurtful and presumptuous. I didn’t intend to hurt Kyle, but it happened. Had I just waited, or not jumped to conclusions, I probably wouldn’t be in the situation I am now. But, you see, that’s both good and bad. It’s bad because I hurt him and also because I ruined what I feel like is a relationship possibility sent from God. But, through this situation, God has gotten a hold of me and my anxious ways of attempting to control my life. Kyle and I have had off and on contact since then (mostly off), but nothing in the past month. Now, most people would probably tell me to give up, say all hope is gone, and to move on. But, friends, let me tell you that nothing is over when God is in it!
Let me fill you in on something else. I didn’t realize it but Kyle and I had previously met about a year and a half prior through my job. I didn’t recall meeting him, but shortly after he and I began chatting through text messages on the second night he thought that I looked familiar. Both of us being private people didn’t share what we did for a living at first. But, when he told me that he thought I looked familiar, he then told me how (and roughly when) it was that we met. Then, he told me what he thought my job title was and my jaw hit the floor! I don’t have a very common job. So, when he told me, and he was right, I couldn’t believe it! We didn’t chat much about it through text messages because he didn’t want me to feel like my privacy was being revealed; but, later that night when we began talking by phone I let him know that he was correct. He thought that I recalled meeting him as well, but I didn’t – well, not at first. He told me the situation in which we met and tried to jog my mind. It wasn’t until he told me that when we met that he had a Bible in his hand that I remembered meeting him! He’s the only man that I’ve ever met holding a Bible (well, first introductions). I still didn’t remember the face of the man that day, but I remembered the situation in general – I also remember walking away telling God, “I want to meet a man like that!” as I was walking away.
Well, what do you know… God didn’t just bring me a man like that – he brought me the exact same man! I don’t believe in coincidences, my friend. I believe in God’s providential hand.
Without revealing too much of the situation that I caused and our limited contact since then, I want to let you know how God has worked in this situation to grow my faith in Him. Friend, I have no problem telling you that I have prayed for God to change my heart towards Kyle if it is not in His will that we be together. I mean, not only has God shown this man to me once, but twice. I am praying for this man to be my future husband (I know how crazy that sounds). And, it’s not like he and I haven’t already talked about it (well, not directly). I know what it sounds like reading this… that we haven’t known each other that long and as of right now we haven’t had contact in a month. But, God (BUT GOD – there’s a phrase to never underestimate) has been working in my heart to show me so much in the past couple of months!
Stay tuned for part 3… How has God shown His providential hand in your life?
Talk soon,
Penelope G.