September 28, 2018
I just said, “Lord, I’m tired of being strong.” It’s true, but I also know that His timing is perfect. Unfortunately, this is not a blog about always being positive. I’d like for it to be that; but, it’s my raw emotions…and, more than for any possible reader, it’s for me to remind myself of God’s goodness… oh and I can’t forget about my promise to God about starting this blog!
I’m a human being going through a rough season in life. I know that times like these are inevitable and that this won’t be my last one; but, isn’t it like us to want to just be through whatever we’re going through right now? I know I’m like that. I just want God to bring me a Christian husband to go through life with and be my companion. I want to have children and raise them in Christian home. I want to honor God with my life; I have a passion to do that like never before. Except I’m missing the starting piece – a husband.
I really wish I could just sit and talk with God and get some direction on His plans for my life. Instead, I cry out in desperation during times of prayer. I feel like I can relate to Psalm 55. I feel like I’m pleading with God. I know that my struggles are not the same as others who are in more serious situations; however, we each have our own battles that are important to each of us. For me, it’s feeling like my life has started all over again and I’m stuck in one place. I also like Psalm 116. The difference between the two passages is that Psalm 55 is speaking from a person who is experiencing current affliction and telling us what the Lord will do and Psalm 116 is telling us what the Lord has done for him already. I literally noticed that only a minute ago. Thanks, God, for revealing more of Yourself to me!
I feel like it’s so much easier to have faith when you already know what the outcome will be or have already been through something similar. The sad part is that I HAVE already seen God’s hand at work in my life and I still wonder how things are going to work out. I know that they will, but I still wonder how and why it’s taking so long. I’m going through my own personal form of suffering and I guess it’s meant to come out through this blog to give others hope. I really hope that one day I can write a fantastic testimony about how gracious and loving God has been to me. But, as I write that out I know that He has already been gracious and loving to me. What I mean is in this area of my life – where a husband and a family are concerned. I guess that’s where my trust in God is supposed to come in to play. Lord, forgive me for questioning You. I’m in a constant struggle between myself and what I want to do and what I actually do. Hello, Paul – I understand what you meant in Romans 7:14-25.
In the meantime, I’ll have to hold on to 2 Corinthians 12:9-11, “But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness’” (NIV). I also feel like God has reminded me of Psalm 46:10 a few times, He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;” (NIV). I feel like God has me waiting – waiting expectantly on Him.
Can you believe that I had no idea what I was going to name this blog site/web page and had thought of a handful of names when I finally thought of the name? I couldn’t believe that the website name was available! Welcome to my wacky brain and the web of thoughts that ping from one thing to the next.
Anyway, I am in a spot right now in life where I feel like I have to wait on God because He’s not really moving – well, from my human perspective. What God is doing is working on me (and probably behind the scenes in other areas of my life). I hate that it’s taken coming to the end of myself before I really learned how to trust God. It’s not that I didn’t trust Him in the past, more of like I treated it like a co-pilot sort of things. I’ve never truly let God have 100% control of a situation. It has put me in a very weird spot; one that I don’t like much because I don’t know what’s going on. I just know that I have to trust God and wait. It’s hard. I could try to take things in my own hands, but I’ve ruined a few things like that in the past. I hope to be in a spot one day where I position myself to rely on God before I get myself in a mess. With something so important as a husband – someone I’m going to spend the rest of my life with, and who is going to be the father to my children – I think I need to ensure that I get it right. I’m trusting in God and really trying to be patient… which is why I told God that I’m tired of being strong. I feel like I have to be strong not just one day at a time, but sometimes minute by minute. Galatians 6:9 tells us, “Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.” Well, I keep putting one foot in front of the other and I’m praying just about every time I begin to feel like it’s never going to happen.
I’m praying for a Christian husband because I know for certain that is God’s will; and, I’m also still praying for Kyle to come back into my life. I can’t think about that situation too much because it’s too confusing to my head and my heart right now; but, I’m still praying to God about Kyle as well. I still truly believe that he is a man that loves God. I have no idea what’s going on right now; but, I’m praying so very much for insight and movement on that situation.
Well, friend, I hope that you can relate and not lose sight of the hope that we have in Jesus. I’m clinging to Him and I hope that you do too – without having to learn the hard way (like me).
Friend, I pray that you remain hopeful in God for whatever you’re waiting on Him to bring about an answer for in your life. He’s still on the throne.
God Bless and we’ll talk again soon,
Penelope G.