October 1, 2018
Had you asked me 12 hours ago if I had put all of my faith in Jesus when it came to my current situation with Kyle I would have said, “Yes.” But, in typical God fashion, He spoke to me while listening to a song today when driving home. He let me know that I hadn’t done everything to really hand over full faith and control to Him.
I was on my way home from work and listening to the song “Grace Got You” by MercyMe… and, something in the lyrics just got to me. I have no idea what part; and, I’ve listed to the song numerous times, even on repeat. But, something (the Holy Spirit?) got into me when I was listening to the song and randomly talking to God while waiting in traffic. I hope you know what I mean by that – sometimes I just start a conversation with God – sometimes in prayer and other times half way just chatting out loud. Anyway, God spoke to me very clearly and basically said that if I really do trust Him that I needed to take down my online dating profile. That may seem trivial to you, but it sure didn’t feel like it to me. Let me back up a little here and tell you what I’ve been going through lately.
I have been praying and praying and praying some more for God’s will to be known to me. All I can find in the Bible about marriage is being equally yoked and the type of love and respect we should have for our spouses. Well, Kyle meets those qualities. And, I don’t believe that God preordains us to be with one individual. He gives us free will… now – don’t get me wrong… God knows who we are going to end up with. He’s God – He knows everything! The book “Sacred Search” by Gary Thomas talks about this topic as well. It’s a good book for single Christians to read. The subtitle is “What if it’s not about who you marry, but why?”
So, I have checked off the fact that Kyle is a God honoring and God fearing man and that we would be equally yoked. Where does that leave me then as far as knowing God’s will? Ugh – it’s been mind boggling. So, for almost a couple of months now I’ve prayed (and sometimes begged) for God to take my feelings away for Kyle if it were not acceptable to Him and His will in my life. That was a hard prayer to pray at first. But, when you’re in emotional and spiritual pain it becomes a little easier to pray for that if you halfway think that by God taking away the desire it will take away your pain. I didn’t really want that to happen, but I was open to it. After trying to do things my way for so long it became painfully obvious that my way of doing things wasn’t working. So, what did I have to lose? I wasn’t quite so bold in those prayers – it was more of quiet request for God to change my heart about Kyle in tiresome surrender after trying to fight the fight by myself for so long. I meant it spiritually even though the fleshly side of me still wanted my own way.
After praying for a while for God to take these desires away from me if they were not of His will, I finally got to the point where I really believed what I was praying when talking with God. That didn’t mean that I didn’t ask myself if I was still holding on to my own will. I had to ask myself if I was holding on to my own will and being stubborn if I was really open to God’s will for my life and yet retaining my desire to get to know Kyle again while being open to God’s will if He had someone else in mind. I hope that makes sense to you??? It’s been a long process to even get to that point. Dying to self is a hard process – and a it’s a daily one. Read Romans 6-8 for more information on this.
Bear with me here – while it may seem like a long process, what went through my mind when I heard God speak to me literally only took about 20 seconds to process in my brain while I was sitting in traffic. And, after that I knew what I had to do when I got home.
So, I’ve been trying to know God’s will for my life and unfortunately God didn’t include details for every situation in the Bible. He did give us directions on how to live a Christian life and be more like Christ. So, I’ve been exploring the Bible and seeing what God has to say. And, my friend, there are passages in the Bible that I had never heard until recently and some that I didn’t fully grasp until reading them recently. It’s been enlightening to say the least.
All that I’ve had to work with until today is that I know that Kyle is a Christian and I’ve been praying for God to take my desire to get to know him away if it’s not in His will for my life. Well, maybe that’s not all of it. There’s also the situation of how we first met and then reconnected.
Short refresher – about a year and a half ago I knocked on his door for something to do with my job and he answered the door holding a Bible in his hand. We had a short conversation for my job that lasted about 10 minutes and then off I went. I walked away from his door saying, “God, I want to meet a man like that!” when I start dating again. We didn’t have contact again until July 2018 when we met on an online dating site. After a day of chatting he thought we had previously met and through more conversation we realized how it was that we first met. The connection was pretty much instant between the two of us.
I’ve known those details for a couple of months now, but it wasn’t until about a month ago that it hit me that it was probably God’s providential hand that brought us together not once but twice. Still, part of me wondered if I was making too much of the situation. But, I don’t believe in coincidences – so, I have to think that it was God.
Between praying for God’s will in my life, asking God to take my feelings for Kyle away if it were not acceptable or His will for my life (slight difference between the two, but that’s for another day… but I really do want God’s will for my life), and thinking back about how we met and then reconnected I was still left wondering. Then, add in Proverbs 3:5-6 where God tells us that He will direct our paths; and 1 John 3:21 when He says, “Dear friends, if our hearts do not condemn us, we have confidence before God” (NIV). I was left wondering if I’d missed something. I wondered if God had spoken to me and I had just missed it, not listened properly, or worse yet, was still holding on to my will over His will for my life.
So, I have also prayed for discernment and God has still not convicted my heart where Kyle is concerned. There’s also God’s promises in Matthew 21:21-22 and 1 John 5:13-15 that I was bold enough to pray a few times. I will say that my courage to pray like those passages intend us to pray took me a while before I felt like I was able to go before God with confidence.
I should also mention that there have been a couple of times where I stepped out in faith where Kyle is concerned – one specifically a couple of weeks ago where I felt like God nudged me to do something crazy. I won’t tell you what it is right now, but I will say that it took a crazy level of faith to do it and only one other person knows about it right now. One day I will share it with you – it’s so crazy that if someone told me that they did the same thing I’d look a them a little strange. I can’t wait to share it with you – hopefully in the not too distant future!
Stay tuned for part 2…
Talk soon,
Penelope G.