March 11, 2019
I’ve been putting off writing this blog for over a week and a half now, maybe longer – and by the time that it’s actually published it will have been even longer. I can’t help but feel like I’m putting it all out on the line by writing this post. I’m making myself vulnerable by sharing my thoughts, hopes, and dreams and at the same time putting my faith on the line. But, really, I guess I’m putting God’s promises on the line. That’s scary for me. But, I believe in God’s Word, so why is it so scary? I’ve thought about it and I think it’s because if I’ve failed to understand God’s Word or what I believe He’s been doing in my life then I’m putting His promises at risk and I never want to lead anyone astray. I guess the latter is more true… what if I’ve misunderstood what I believe God has been trying to tell me?
I may sound a bit cryptic thus far; but, if you read this blog post all the way through, you’ll understand what I’m talking about. I know that God can take care of Himself, but at the same time I don’t want to say anything that dishonors Him or His Word. I’m having trouble getting my thoughts from my head to the keyboard. I guess I just want to lay it all out there and let God show up and allow His promises to speak for themselves.
For months now I’ve been praying for my desire to get to know Kyle again to go away if it’s not God’s will (in case you can’t tell, it’s not gone away, ha, ha – even sharing this information with you is slightly embarrassing). At first it was difficult to pray, but on the other hand, I want God’s will for my life and I also don’t want to be wasting my breath praying for something that will never come to pass. I’ve been praying for discernment, wisdom, and knowledge when it comes to this situation – to see if I’ve misunderstood God or who it is that I thought I got to know when Kyle and I talked and spent time together. I’ve tried to follow what Matthew 7:7-8 tells us, “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened” (NIV). You know what though… not much has changed since then; so, I think I’m on the right track. God hasn’t revealed much more than I already knew to begin with – which means that I just need to be patient until He speaks again – and to not grow weary while waiting (easier said than done sometimes).
I’ve questioned myself if my limited interaction with Kyle is just me having rose colored glasses or is really the truth. I’ve wondered if I’ve made my will so overpowering that I’ve not been able to clearly discern God’s will for my life. I’ve wondered if I’ve been stubborn in my ways or really hopeful in the Lord. I’ve wondered if I’ve fallen in love with the idea of something or really someone. [Insert eyeroll and a sigh… what am I saying?] I’ve thought about how I might end up with egg on my face after publishing this post if I’ve misunderstood God – it wouldn’t be God getting something wrong, it would be me getting it wrong by misunderstanding God’s will for my life, who Kyle really is, or the opportunities that I believe God has presented.
But… what if I’m not wrong? What if I’m right? What if this is a great love story in the making being written by God? How much more glory will God receive then? I mean, think about it – wouldn’t it be easier for God to bring about a different person into my life? It’s not like Kyle and I knew each other for that long and months have passed since then. It sure seems like it would be easier to do that than reconnect this lost connection. But, what if it’s a sweet love story to tell my children and grandchildren one day – one where I can tell of the promises, blessings, and favor of God! What hope that it might give to other people reading this story! A story of persistent and specific prayers! I know that I’ve searched the internet for examples of God’s promises being answered when it comes to specific prayers and didn’t find that many. Not because they haven’t happened, but because people don’t usually share them in a public forum. I’m grateful for the examples that I have come across though.
What if all of my prayers have been delayed because God has been working behind the scenes in my favor? What if this is just one more show of His great grace even though I’ve gotten off track during this time period? What if this is just another example of God bringing Romans 8:28 in to my life? “And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them” (NLT). I already know that God has used this time period to show me of His great grace – a grace that is undeserved and one that I could never even feel worthy of accepting, let alone trying to work to be worthy of – I’ve just had to learn to accept it by learning of His grace and love… because of His love. This has been a bitter sweet journey, but one that I can honestly say that I’m thankful for – no matter the outcome!
What if He’s done this even though while I’ve been trying to get on track with Him I’ve stumbled – by disobeying the Holy Spirit by not living fully for God…while also messing up my life in the mean time learning what it means to live under the grace of God, knowing that while I’ve messed up that I can’t really mess up my life that much because God already knows the future and has greater plans for my life than I ever could? [Whew – did you catch all of that??] What if while I’ve been learning more about God and establishing an even greater personal relationship with Him that He’s been using it for this very purpose right now? To tell you about it?? What if God really does answer my prayers and I can put the other half of the puzzle together and learn that not only has God been working tremendously in my life but in Kyle’s life as well? There’s only so much of the story that I can see right now. But, what little bit I do know is that in the limited contact I’ve had with him since summer 2018 is that God has been working in his life as well. Maybe not as much as mine, but I really can’t say that for certain right now. I feel like since 07/2018 I’ve had a huge growth spurt in my relationship with God. I’ve moved on from the proverbial milk to the meat that the Bible speaks of in my relationship with Christ. I just can’t believe that it took so long for me to get to this point… especially given the trials that I’ve been through at various times in my life. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve relied on God in the past, but not like this. In the past, I’ve always had a backup plan. I have no back up plan for this – only God.
What if this is an example of James 4:2-3, “You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures” (NLT). What if my prayers are only answered because I’m only crazy enough to pray them in the first place? This will never be for certain on this side of Heaven, but I have to believe that this is going to be an example of me receiving because I’m going out on a limb to ask God in the first place. That, and it’s going to bring God even more glory than if He were to answer my prayers by bringing about another person in my life.
I used to want this prayer request answered so badly – for various reasons; but, now I don’t want this prayer request answered until after I finish this blog post… AND in God’s timing. I want God to get the glory for this more than I want it answered. Does that make sense? I want both, but I really want God to show up and show off! I want everyone to learn how to love and trust God like this. It’s not easy, but I know that it’s worth it – even during the hard times. I don’t want anyone to have to go through such heartache in any area of life before they learn to depend on God and trust Him (although I know this is how lessons are best learned).
And, while writing this blog and looking into the details of one of the only other specific and “crazy” prayer requests that I know of (as of right now) that were answered, I came across this quote: “The greatest tragedy in life are the prayers that go unanswered, simply because they go unasked.” – Mark Batterson, “Draw The Circle.”
Have you heard of Dr. Robert Jeffress? I was listening to the radio one day when he was promoting his new book, “Choosing the Extraordinary Life.” I heard him mention his daughter getting pregnant with triplets after praying for multiples. One baby for each of her three miscarriages. Here’s her story in her own words if you want to read more about it: http://www.juliajsadler.com/blog/2017/9/5/more-than-we-can-imagine-the-sadler-triplet-story. I have to say when I heard about her prayer, and God’s answer to it, I was spurred to keep on praying my crazy prayer where Kyle is concerned. I can still remember where I was driving on the road that sunny day when I heard about her miracle. I was in awe and I wished that my radio had a rewind button like live tv does. I wanted to hear it again! So, I did the only thing that I could do and turned up the radio to ensure that I didn’t miss any other miracle that Dr. Jeffress might mention.
Her prayer and God’s answer to it made me feel just a little less crazy and bit more hopeful. I’m not doing anything like Noah did in the Bible, but I saw a meme the other day that made me feel like I’m having a similar sort of crazy faith. It said, “Sometimes faith will make you look stupid until it starts to rain – Noah.” I really am praying for God to rain down on my life. I want to tell everyone about God’s glory and how he worked very specifically in my life in this area. Now that I think about it, I need to do more to give God the glory that He’s already due in my life in the other areas that He’s worked in my favor. I do have some blog posts in mind that I’ve been meaning to write, but today’s is specifically concerning this area of my life.
Stay tuned…keep on reading, but in the mean time… What do you need to trust God for in your life as far as an answer to your prayers? Are you living a life honorable to Him? Do you have the faith of a mustard seed to move mountains and trust God? I bet you do! If not, pray for God to help you to have that kind of faith, or better yet, even bolder faith!
God Bless,
Penelope G.