Love is…

December 2020 to January 2021

I’ve been thinking about this blog posts for months now… but, don’t let the title fool you. I’ve been trying to figure out how to say what’s been on my mind and not come across as wishy washy or someone who just takes hold of what is in front of them (or what’s not in front of them) or the path of least resistance. Also, there’s a lot going on that I still don’t understand that I don’t know how to write about. With that said, let me rip off the proverbial band-aid and reiterate from my last post that I’m done praying about anything involving Kyle and I being together… actually, I’ve been done for many many months now. Oh how I hate this part of my blog… the transparency part… I feel like high school girl who wrote about her crush and wants to scribble out the pages. I have a post-it note placed in my kitchen to remind me to be authentic and vulnerable with people though (appropriately)… so, I’m going to try to stick with it as much as possible. I believe this blog is going to be used by God somehow for someone, even if I never find out.

It’s not that I think God can’t move mountains – He can! It’s that I prayed about some things concerning Kyle earlier this year and was led to some answers that changed my thinking. For the sake of privacy of the other person I won’t go into the details, but the only thing that I’ve prayed about concerning him since then is for God to keep us apart – unless of course it is God’s plan. My mind will have to change again if that’s the case. But, for many months now I’ve been praying just that – for God to keep our paths separate… because don’t you know the devil likes to meddle and cause confusion?! However, God has used that situation, as a whole, to teach me soooo much! Actually, my mom brought him up out of the blue in fall 2020. She mentioned that she had wondered why God allowed that kind of connection at all given the confusion and heartache it caused. Without hesitation, I told her that I had already figured that out months ago! Of course, I can only see things from my earthly perspective, but here’s why I think God allowed that situation (I gave her a shorter version – ha ha!).

To bring me closer to God and use the situation as a catalyst to learn to trust Him with my life – both for what I want and need.
To show me that He is in the details of my life – big and small. He can weave together a story for the ages better than we can imagine.
To show me that He can use the ordinary to do something extraordinary.
To show me that He knows my heart; and, that He can provide in ways that I am sometimes afraid to even ask for.
To show me that He can do things quickly.
To teach me how to be obedient to Him.
To teach me to be thankful.
To teach me how to pray – and that it changes things. And, to rely on the Holy Spirit to work on my behalf.
To lead others to Christ, not just in the journey to my prayers being answered, but also through my testimony after they’re answered in the affirmative.
To teach me about spiritual warfare. It’s very real.
To show me what perseverance look like – and that He will never leave me along the way.
That He is Hope. That nothing is impossible with Him.
To show me that things may look and seem one way from an earthly point of view, but that God knows what is best and can see around corners that we cannot. He knows the end from the beginning. He is omniscient.
That God works during the silence, even when it seems like nothing is happening.
That timing matters. He does things at just the right time – never too early or too late.
That there is purpose in the wait – for me and for His glory.
That His Word is true and He keeps His promises.
That He is providential and there are no coincidences with God.
That even God’s “no” (or wait) has love written all over it. Just like an earthly father sometimes tells us, “No,” our Heavenly Father knows what’s best for us that much more.
To learn to ask Him for specific things. This will bring God more glory if He answers our prayers in the affirmative.
To show that He is not a respecter of persons and doesn’t have favorites – that we all have sinned and need His grace. We will never be “good enough” for our prayers to be answered, only through His grace and mercy do we find favor and blessings.
To show me that I still needed to heal from past relationships and to look to Him for healing – to include reminding me that there are areas of our hearts that only He is meant to fill, not another person.
To Teach me about prayer and fasting (not just prayer).
To teach me about submissive neutrality towards Him. To tell Him what I’d like, but to be submissive to His will. To not forsake God’s will for my own.
To learn to be still and wait on Him (this has been the hardest lesson for me – patience and faith all wrapped up together).
To teach me to surrender and give Him control. That things work out far better if we leave our life in the hands of God (this includes doing our part though).
To see my worth in Him as a child of God, as well as a person in general.
To rest in His promises – and to learn how to do that.
To not live by my feelings – to walk by faith and know that feelings and faith don’t always align.
To write down my prayers so that I can look back and see God’s faithfulness.
To teach me that it’s not about religion, that it’s about a relationship with our Heavenly Father.
To better grasp the sacrifice that Jesus made on the cross for our sins and appreciate it more.
That it’s ok to question things you don’t understand and to express your thoughts and feelings to God. And, that there’s a difference between questioning the situation vs. questioning Him.
To teach me about forgiveness.
To teach me how to look at sin differently, both from an earthly and heavenly perspective. And, that as Christians, God does not condemn us in our sin (that’s the devil) but convicts us through the Holy Spirit.
To teach me how to love others with patience and kindness, just as He has loved me.
To teach me and prepare me to be a godly wife.
To be less selfish.
To put my heart in check and show me that I am to have Him at the center of my life, and to have no idols – not an idea, a desire, or person become more important than Him.
To test me and give me the opportunity to put my faith into action.
To show me that He is gracious with me, especially during this period of testing. He has not given me more than I can handle, as long as I rely on Him.
To teach me not to put limits on Him.
To teach me how to praise Him – even in the dark, when there seems to be no end in sight.
To show me the heart of God and to know Jesus more fully.

I’m sure if I sat here longer I’d be able to come up with some more, but for now those came to mind so quickly that I could barely type them fast enough to get them from my brain to my fingertips without forgetting them.

I may very well have been able to have a good relationship with Kyle had things continued between us. From the way things began, it seemed that things would be great. However, looking back, I think we both set an unrealistic expectation for one another in our minds without realizing it. Also, we each failed to heal from past hurt, which only compounded the unrealistic expectations. The thing is though, if God took away something that was that “good” and had the potential to be “great“ then, how much more is He going to provide for me in my future relationship with my husband?! I’m really excited and waiting expectantly on Him to provide for me in ways that I can only begin to think and imagine!

I’ve been praying some specific prayers concerning this situation in my life. I’m quick to want to connect the dots in my life to see the picture that I believe that God is painting. However, it wasn’t until a couple of months ago that I remembered something that caught my breath. I began to think about things that have occurred in my life the past couple of years. I began to wonder… and have continued to do so the past couple of months.

I don’t know if God has been using a particular situation and friendship to bring about a change and an answer to my prayers. In early December I decided to fast and pray about it; and, since then things have changed drastically, but in a way that doesn’t make sense. I seem to be going through a test of everything that God has taught me about in the past couple of years – all at once. It’s not easy, and I don’t know if I’m looking at things correctly or not? It’s sort of surreal to step back and think about. I’m excited though! I feel like this is a distinct turning point in my life.

From an earthly point of view, it’s not a good thing. But, from a heavenly perspective, I believe that God is setting me up for my very own answer to prayer and what many would call, an earthly miracle. We’ll, see though. Either way, I’ve told myself that I can’t lose! God is going to use this situation either way to bring about change and an answer to prayer! I feel like this is a crucible type of moment. Maybe I’m getting my hopes up, but we are told to put our hope in God. Hebrews 11 is all about faith! God tells us in Hebrews 11:1 (NIV), “Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.” He goes on to tell us in Hebrews 11:6 (NIV), “And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to Him must believe that He exists and that He rewards those who earnestly seek Him.” The whole chapter talks about people who had faith that God would do what they had hoped and prayed for or what God had told them would happen.

God has used the last two years or so to show me what love is, as well as what it isn’t – as well as what real loving relationships look like on this side of Heaven. I’ve been looking and listening and trying to learn from others so that I don’t have to learn things the hard way, firsthand. I’m not expecting a perfect person. I don’t expect someone to live up to a standard that I can’t live up to myself. I just want a man who has a heart for God and then me; who looks to God for guidance and direction to lead me (and a family); is faithful to me; respects me; and is loving towards me. There are details wrapped up in those things, but those are the general standards. Some would say that they are unattainable by the world’s standards in this day and age. But, God is able to provide!

I’m looking to do life differently, in a way that brings happiness to me and my home – and, at the same time points others to Jesus. That can be intimidating for some men; but, if they really understood what that looked like from a human perspective I don’t think it would be that daunting. A lot of what the world already considers to be “good” is from what the Bible teaches – for example, treating your neighbor as yourself. I could provide other examples, but I’ll leave that for another time.

God is my Father, my Provider, and my Protector. He’s been loving me all along this journey and showing me what love is all about – both from a human point of view and a heavenly point of view. I hope to take my lessons and put them into practice so that it takes Earth by storm when my husband and I are married… it won’t be easy, but it will be so worth it! Loving my neighbor as myself can be hard enough some days. I’ve been married previously and know that close proximity can be good and bad. Marriage enables us to show the love of God to the world by loving each other when often we’re not that loveable.

God is love and He’s shown me that throughout my life – especially during the past couple of years or so. At the same time, I’ve been afforded the opportunity to demonstrate it to others in my life. We’re told in 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 (NIV), “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.” God has done all of that for me, friend… and, He’ll do it for you too.

A thought that has crossed my mind a few times lately is this – If God were to answer our prayers today according to our level of faith right now, what would that look like? Even mustard seed faith that we’re told about in Matthew 17:20 is enough to move a mountain. Do you believe that the Lord will answer your prayers and is wiling to give you so much if you will just ask for it and it’s within His will? I pray that you at least have mustard seed faith and that it keeps on growing! I hope that your prayers made in faith will become sight on this side of Heaven. Also, James 1:6-7 (NIV) reminds us, “But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord.”

So, while I wait, I’m trying to do just what Romans 12:12 (NIV) says – “Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.” It’s something easy, but hard at the same time. Some days I’m more successful than others. But, what I have experienced for about a month now is a peace that transcends understanding – despite some rocky circumstances that have been hoisted my way, and some of which are through my own missteps. It’s the peace that Philippians 4:7 (NIV) talks about, “And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” I’ve embraced it and am enjoying it so much! Have you ever seen a hotel or bedding commercial where a lady jumps up with her arms spread out and then falls back onto a bed in pure joy and relaxation with a smile on her face of sheer happiness? I have the scene in my mind right now… and that’s how I feel about my situation. Sometimes I try to hold on to that feeling and focus on it while knowing that God is in control and that I just need to do my part.

My tendency is to be anxious; so, what I just described to you is like pure bliss for me! Sure, I have my troubles, but right now I’m resting in God’s ability to handle my problems and intervene where I can’t – even if I might make mistakes along the way or want to question what’s going on. I’d say that communication is my hardest issue right now, for various reasons.

Anyway, friend – what are you waiting on? Have faith and hold on to the One who provides Hope for the future! He’s waiting on us to have faith! I also encourage you to praise Him in the storm. I get it though – that’s not always easy. Just try though… a hallelujah with a broken heart is very near and dear to God’s heart. Psalm 147 is all about that!

God Bless,

Penelope G.

The song for this blog is “Raise a Hallelujah” by Bethel Music

https://youtu.be/G2XtRuPfaAU

I raise a hallelujah, in the presence of my enemies
I raise a hallelujah, louder than the unbelief
I raise a hallelujah, my weapon is a melody
I raise a hallelujah, heaven comes to fight for me

I’m gonna sing, in the middle of the storm
Louder and louder, you’re gonna hear my praises roar
Up from the ashes, hope will arise
Death is defeated, the King is alive!

I raise a hallelujah, with everything inside of me
I raise a hallelujah, I will watch the darkness flee
I raise a hallelujah, in the middle of the mystery
I raise a hallelujah, fear you lost your hold on me!

I’m gonna sing, in the middle of the storm
Louder and louder, you’re gonna hear my praises roar
Up from the ashes, hope will arise
Death is defeated, the King is alive!

Sing a little louder (In the presence of my enemies)
Sing a little louder (Louder than the unbelief)
Sing a little louder (My weapon is a melody)
Sing a little louder (Heaven comes to fight for me)
Sing a little louder (In the presence of my enemies)
Sing a little louder (Louder than the unbelief)
Sing a little louder (My weapon is a melody)
Sing a little louder (Heaven comes to fight for me)
Sing a little louder!

I’m gonna sing, in the middle of the storm
Louder and louder, you’re gonna hear my praises roar
Up from the ashes, hope will arise
Death is defeated, the King is alive!

Leave a Reply Cancel reply