September 23, 2018 (continued)
I went through three weeks of what I can only say was a spiritual battle after Kyle and I stopped talking and I just didn’t understand what was going on and what God was doing in my life. Well, friend, He was showing me how to give control to Him. It was the hardest three weeks of my life and I wouldn’t wish that kind of personal hell on my worst enemy. I prayed daily and cried and begged to God to please be with me. I felt so alone, and it didn’t make sense. I guess I felt like once again something wasn’t going how I thought it would go??? That’s a guess; I still don’t know why I felt the way I did. I didn’t realize that God was trying to shake me and tell me to give up the control of my life that I was constantly trying to have. It was on August 8, 2018 that I prayed for God to give me a situation where He would have control. I can’t believe that I didn’t realize that God had already given me that situation – I was already in it with Kyle and trying to find my future husband in general. I understand that God is always in control, but to willfully give God control is something different. My spiritual battle continued until August 25, 2018. You might be wondering how I know these dates – some dates stand out to you more than others. Also, I began to look back and refer to some timelines in my life. Anyway, on August 25, 2018 God won the battle within me and I gave up control of this area of my life – and all other areas as well. It has been a surreal experience. I know I keep using that word, but I don’t know how else to explain it. When God is in something, you just know.
It doesn’t mean that I don’t sometimes feel the desire to slip back into my old ways. It means that I just start praying when I feel like that. And, some days it means that I do a lot of praying. During the three weeks of spiritual desperation I kept going back to this passage in the Bible:
Philippians 4:4-7: “Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” (NIV).
Those words didn’t hit me in full force until August 25, 2018. Since then, they have meant so much more to me. God has told us through Paul in the book of Philippians to Rejoice in the Lord – not once were we told that, but twice. He has told us to be gentle with one another and that the Lord is near. Then, he tells us to not be anxious, to not worry or fret, about anything – nothing at all! He goes on to tell us that in EVERY situation that we should pray and petition God. I had never noticed the word petition before – but it means to make a request in a humble and respectful manner. Then, it goes on to say to do it with thanksgiving – to praise God, and to present your requests to God. I had never noticed that we can present our requests to God either! He wants to hear from us, friend; He cares about what is on our hearts! Why had I been so blind to this before?! Then, it tells us that the peace of God, a peace that transcends all understanding – one that sometimes doesn’t make sense – will guard our hearts and our minds in Christ Jesus. He will keep and guard our hearts and minds because of Jesus – who is able to do far more than we can ever ask or imagine (Ephesians 3:20).
I’ve also mentioned in my past blog posts the book, “The Circle Maker” by Pastor Mark Batterson. I began reading this book sometime in the midst of my spiritual battle. I remember thinking, “I wish I had a book on prayer.” Then, I immediately realized that I did have a book on prayer! When I joined my Sunday school class in late 2013, they were almost done with the book “The Circle Maker.” I read the first 20-40 pages but didn’t go any further. It didn’t grab me at that time – which is a shame because I sure could have used it and learned from it at that time as well. Anyway, I put it on my bookshelf and didn’t give it another thought until August 2018. Well, I picked up the book and read it within about a week to a week and a half and then began re-reading it again. I found it so inspirational and informative about prayer! It gave me insight to what God’s Word has to say about prayer – things that I had never noticed before. Like, how God wants us to be specific in our prayers with Him. Is it necessary? No, not really; He already knows our hearts and minds; but, He wants a relationship with us. One way that happens is by spending time with Him in prayer. Another is by reading His Word. I don’t know about you, but I sometimes have a hard time hearing God in everyday life – but, when I read the Bible it’s almost like He’s speaking to me – to my heart specifically!
I say all of this because I began praying for God’s will to be in my life, even if that meant that Kyle and I would not end up together. That was a hard prayer to pray, yet easy at the same time. God’s will is always better than anything than we have planned for our lives. I know that, but I don’t know that I’ve ever given God the chance to actually show me that. So, I gave up this area specifically to God. Not that you need me to tell you how important this is, but please allow me to explain what’s on my heart and mind about this – my future husband is going to be my lifelong partner and friend, the spiritual leader of the house, and the father of my future children. There’s a lot wrapped up in that! I am giving it over to God; but, that doesn’t mean that He wants me to stop praying about it. I still have to do my part. I feel like I’ve already done a lot where Kyle is concerned – even maybe overstepping a little. It’s in God’s hands now. God will either bring Kyle back to me because it is within His will or He will bring me someone even better. It’s hard for me to imagine God “wowing” me a second time the way that He did the first time, but He is able!
Prior to meeting Kyle, I had prayed to God about a finding a good Christian man. I didn’t pray about much else when it came to a husband. I think I asked for a few specifics a couple of times, but I felt that I was being too picky and should just be happy with a Christian man trying to walk with God. But God (haha, there it is again!) not only heard my prayers, He knew the desires of my heart and showed them to me in Kyle. Not only that, God showed me things about Kyle that I didn’t even realize that I wanted in a man! God really, really wowed me!
I have prayed numerous times for God to take my desire to get to know Kyle away from me if it isn’t His will. But, you know what?? It hasn’t happened yet. What has happened is that God has revealed to me His hand in the situation. While Kyle reminded me that we had previously met, I didn’t recall my telling God that I wanted to meet a man like that until after Kyle and I had stopped talking. I guess you could call it dating (?); I’m not sure. Either way, God prompted me to remember the first time that we met and how I told Him that I wanted to meet a man like that. And, then, I realized that God didn’t just bring me a man like that, He brought me the exact same man! Wow, God! I don’t live in a small town either. But, I didn’t even meet Kyle in my town – I met him about 45 minutes away in a different town. When I look back to other things that have been said or happened between us, I have to believe that God was in it. God has given me a hope about the situation – one that doesn’t make sense at all. One where I can picture Kyle and I getting married. This has made me feel a bit delusional at times, but God hasn’t convicted my heart about it at all. God has told me to “just wait.” So, I’m waiting expectantly on God. He WILL answer my prayers. He may answer them and bring about a very special love story in the making; or, He may bring someone else along. But, I’m not going to give up! God CAN answer our prayers – the Bible says that He WILL answer them if they are within His will. I don’t know of any reason why my prayers aren’t within His will right now. What I do know is that God will either bring Kyle back into my life, convict my heart to stop praying about him, or bring me someone else. Either way, I’m going to keep praying until one of those things happens. Our God is able, and He is so, so good! He loves us and wants our lives to bring Him glory! Our testimonies on how He has worked in our lives is one way that happens.
So, what was initially a selfish and guarded/reactive response on my part – and probably something the Devil meant for evil – God has used to bring me closer to Him and to bring Him even more glory. Isn’t that what Romans 8:28 is all about? God can bring about good in any situation – through our selfish ways, our failures, and insecurities. He is able!
My story in this area of my life will bring Him glory one way or another. I just have to be faithful to tell it. God has really gotten ahold of my heart these past couple of months. It was awful the first few weeks, but then God took over and since then I’ve had this peace and confidence about my life. I still have thoughts that pop into my head that remind me of my old ways and that try to creep back in, but that’s when I start praying. He’s not let me down yet. And, I am waiting for Him specifically in this area because I know if I keep on trusting Him that He’s not going to let me down in this area either!
Thanks for sticking with me in this long post! Have you willfully given God control of your life? If not, try starting in one area of your life until you can fully trust Him. It’s better to just give Him all of your life anyway – there’s really no in between! But, try starting in one area of your life and see where it leads you… I already know the answer but go ahead!
God Bless,
Penelope G.