October 1, 2018 (continued)
If you go back and read some of my previous blog posts you’ll see that I told God that He has control over this situation. Praying is about all I can do right now because God hasn’t told me to do anything other than wait. I’ve been praying like crazy though! God still hasn’t’ directed my heart to stop praying where Kyle is concerned. But, what He did tell me today was to remove my online dating profile. You see, while I have believed that God has given me some confidence where Kyle is concerned I still had my online dating profile just in case I misunderstood God.
When listing to the song on the way home it hit me in the face that if I really believe in what God has told me (and not told me) and if I really believe in His promises shown to us in the Bible then I wouldn’t have an online dating profile any more. I don’t know if I explained that properly or not. But, if I did then I probably wouldn’t have needed to write all of the paragraphs above. Ha-ha! It was like God was telling me that if I really trust Him that I don’t need my online dating profile any more.
Let me tell you… I had to really think about whether or not I believed what I thought God had told me about Kyle. This was the kind of faith that seemed to be “all in” to me. Deleting a dating profile seems trivial in one sense, but in another it’s a big deal. I already felt in my heart that my search was done a long time ago. Kyle and I even expressed as much to each other before things got off track. Even still, I have still felt the same way after analyzing the situation to make sure that I’m not idealizing someone or the situation in general. Basically I wanted to ensure that I wasn’t crazy for the wrong reasons… because I feel a little crazy with how things are working out with God in control – but in a good way… a crazy kind of faith!
So, I came home today and told myself that I was going to delete my online dating profile. Before doing that though I spent a short time in prayer to ensure that I had not misunderstood God or held on to my own will where Kyle is concerned. I didn’t feel any different so I went and deleted my profile.
And, you know what? Since then I’ve had this peace come over me… the kind that I can’t understand. The only thing that comes to mind is this (specifically verse 7):
Philippians 4:4-7: “Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” (NIV).
Granted, this feeling of peace has only been present with me for a few hours, but I haven’t felt like this since I was getting ready to go to court for my first divorce hearing and couldn’t bring myself to worry about it. I can only attribute it to believing that God is getting ready to do something really big in my life!
So, today I learned what it was like to give up another piece of control of my life – one that I hadn’t even realized that I was still considering as a way of controlling things. God spoke to me in that area and convicted me about it. So, now I have no online dating profile and no “back up plan” of just having my online dating profile like a fishing pole dangling in the water that might catch another good fish. That’s basically what I was thinking – that just in case I misunderstood God that I would do that and that He would bring another man into my life. You can’t have it both ways though – either you believe God or you don’t. I guess I hadn’t thought of it that way though. I thought of it as me not being certain if I understood God and not being sure if what I had prayed was God’s will for my life. At some point though you have to believe and take hold of what it is that you do know about God and His promises… like convicting my heart of something if it’s not the right thing to pray. He never convicted my heart of that and so I just need to believe it and go with it.
An old phrase that I’ve heard over the years has popped up in my memory lately – “God said it, I believe it, and that settles it.” It sounds quite simple doesn’t it? It’s not though. It really does take some faith to be that bold and trusting. But, even if you step out in faith with shaky legs, you’re still taking a step of faith. We just have to keep our eyes on Christ so we don’t begin to sink in the water like Peter did in Matthew 14:22-33.
So, today, I really am just waiting on God. There’s no back up plan. From what I am aware of, I have given Him the last piece of the “puzzle” – my stronghold of control – over to God. I really do have peace about the situation. I believe that God is going to answer this prayer… now if I just knew when. I’ll admit that while I do have peace about the situation that a small part of me is shaking.
Well, my friends, it’s been an interesting journey with you thus far. It’s been less than two weeks since I started this blog and I feel like I’ve already written things that I didn’t think I would share. Being vulnerable is hard and I’m not a very open person when it comes to my personal life (until now). My blog posts are entirely too long, but part of me doesn’t care. Can you believe that I was worried that I wouldn’t know what to write or wouldn’t have the words to say it? I have so much to write and God keeps prompting regularly on what topics to write about!
God Bless and we’ll talk again soon,
Penelope G.