May 21, 2019 and June 11, 2019
Yes, you read that correctly… I’m posting two entries together because I’m sorely delayed in posting this (and it’s a long one). I’ve been meaning to write this entry since March 2019. You can clearly see that I didn’t do anything about it until May. When I went to post the blog in May I just felt like something wasn’t right. I’m still not sure that I like it. This paragraph is an “after thought” being written in June. I’ll write more about that below, but until then, proceed… 
(Friendly heads up that if you’re a grammar person that you may find this post annoying to read. It’s full of run on thoughts and ellipses! (Yes… those three dots have a name – let it never be said that you can’t learn something from reading my blog. 
)
May 21, 2019
As usual, I’ve put off writing this blog post for far too long… and please bear with me as I’m in a bit of an emotional mood right now. To top it off my computer is acting weird… what’s new though? Since I bought this computer it’s given me fits. I’ve contacted the place where I bought it, as well as the manufacturer, and even sent it in to be fixed. It seems that I bought a lemon of a computer, one with slow RAM and a sticky “H” key that doesn’t always type. I’ve purchased this brand of computer for over 15 years now and this is the first dud. I will say though that it’s not the first cheap feeling computer I’ve had my hands on by this manufacturer. A-n-y-w-a-y… enough of that. I’m feeling emotional and that includes feeling annoyed.
Today, and actually the past few days, I’ve been feeling lonely… and honestly, a bit depressed. I’ve been in the company of Me, Myself, and I. And, I keep wondering how much longer I’m going to have to wait for God to answer my prayers for a husband/best friend. I wish I could do a brain dump, or a heart dump so you could better understand. Then, I think…well, I’m glad people can’t read my mind. There are things that I never want to share with anyone. Sometimes I’m ashamed that God can read my mind. I get frustrated with myself and have to scold myself for some of my thoughts. Some days I like to complain in my head about the things that I’m going through… sometimes in conversations with God. Then, I think how selfish I am to be thinking those kinds of thoughts.
You know what I’ve been thinking of for the past couple of months though? It’s something that I feel God wants me to share with you guys. That He wants us to share those feelings with Him. He can take them and help us shape them in to the right context. He wants us to share our hopes, dreams, and fears with Him.
Just today I was thinking in my head, “God, this isn’t fair… how is it that ‘XYZ person’ lives a life like they do and things seem to work out for them?!” Then, about a second after that I’m reminded that I only see one side of their life, that I don’t see the whole picture, that God is for me…not against me, that He wants to bless me, that He’s using this time for a purpose, that God understands what I’m going through, and that He suffered far worse than I ever will. This in turn makes me feel bad for feeling the way that I do, and I end up apologizing to God for complaining about my life. And, about that same time He reminds me that He loves me and wants me to tell Him how I feel… that just because He suffered unjustly that it doesn’t mean that I can’t come to Him with my feelings. His injustices don’t negate mine. It’s exhausting to be in my own head sometimes!!! (And, almost never quiet…)
I’ve felt like I’ve been reminded of a few passages in the Bible lately – usually they are encouraging; but, sometimes it seems downright cruel to be reminded of them. Please forgive me for saying that. Overall, I am so thankful for the Word of God. It’s just sometimes while I’m in a period of waiting I want to tell God, “You said ‘this’ in Your Word… so, where are You, what’s going on? Why am I still waiting? I’m holding on to Your promises, God. Please don’t make me wait much longer…” I can’t tell you how many times I’ve asked God to please not make me wait much longer. Sometimes it’s in a hopeless kind of tone even though I know that God is faithful to His promises and that He knows the desires of my heart.
Truthfully, that didn’t leave me feeling much better overall, but I did feel better for at least telling God how I feel. I had a long day today (a good day, but a long one) and my feeling of aloneness was somehow magnified even though my time was filled with places to go and people to talk to. I came home exhausted, wishing that I had someone to share my day with, or actually, not really share my day with… to just come home to someone and hug them or cuddle up to them and feel like the busyness of my day was able to be washed away by spending time with them. It occurs to me now that someone would be responsible for cooking dinner, but hey… a girl can dream; right?
Even today I reevaluated things to double check that my will was in line with His. And, I prayed a prayer that was a bit hard to pray the first time that I prayed it months ago. I basically asked God to take away my desire to have a husband if it wasn’t His will or to take away my feelings for Kyle if I have somehow misunderstood that area of my life. I’ve had this conversation with God in the past and even today I had it a couple of times within a few minutes time span. It’s easier to pray now than it was months ago. But, do you know what?… Nothing changed. And, my friend, God can change feelings in an instant, “just like that.” I’ve personally experienced this in the past. When going through my divorce I prayed for God to take my feelings away for my husband (now ex) when I knew for a fact that our marriage was over and “just like that” my feelings were gone… in an instant. I mean, I still loved him as a human-being, but my feelings for him as my husband were gone. I was still sad about the situation as a whole; but, a feeling of peace came about me and my feelings of being distraught about my divorce were gone. So, God can do it – he can take away the feelings “just like that.” However, He hasn’t done this in either area that I mentioned. So, I’m staying the course and praying for what seems to be a “pipe dream” at this point. I haven’t been able to see or feel God move in this area of my life in quite some time now. It’s been months. I know God is working on me though. Every now and then I get a reality check that even if I can’t tell there’s movement that God is preparing me to be a better wife in the future. Not to mention the story of Joseph in the Old Testament has been so prevalent in my life through various sermons since last summer. If there was one story of the Bible that I feel that God wants me to remember it’s that one. Maybe I’ll talk about that another day?
Back to the Bible passages that I’ve been reminded of a few times within the last few months. What are they? Genesis 2:18 (NIV) when, “The LORD God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” This is when God made Eve for Adam – after God brought Adam all the animals that He made (male and female) to see what he would call them.
The second passage is one that I knew the last part, but not the beginning. However, since then, I’ve heard it a few times in different sermons and went back and reread it again myself. I think I came across it when looking up a word in my concordance on another topic and kept reading to the next chapter… either that or a friend posted something about an earlier verse in Ecclesiastes and I kept reading further?? It’s Ecclesiastes 4:7-12 about the advantages of companionship. I was familiar with the phrase that “a cord of three is not easily broken,” but not the other part of the passage. Here’s what it says (NLT), “I observed yet another example of something meaningless under the sun. This is the case of a man who is all alone, without a child or a brother, yet who works hard to gain as much wealth as he can. But then he asks himself, ‘Who am I working for? Why am I giving up so much pleasure now?’ It is all so meaningless and depressing. Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble. Likewise, two people lying close together can keep each other warm. But how can one be warm alone? A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken.”
Do you know what I thought when I began reading this? Something not very Christian-like… I thought, “Crap, you have got to be kidding me! Ugh!” And, as I was reading it, I was reminded that God created us for companionship. I was reading it in bed while trying to get warm… alone. I had thought many nights, “God, it sure stinks being in bed alone trying to get warm.” I guess I tend to run cold in the evenings, but it was like God was letting me know that He was already ahead of me in my thinking. Go figure; right?! Sorry, a bit of my sarcasm coming through there. I REALLY AM THANKFUL that God knows us and that He wrote His story with the end in mind… taking in to account our own personal lives at the same time. What a great God that we serve to work backwards in our lives knowing that we’ll screw up, think something, say something, etc. and that He has already taken that into consideration!
Sometimes I thank God for knowing how stubborn I can be and showing me or reminding me of things multiple times to get it through my thick head until I finally get it.
I had previously thought about God making Eve for Adam. It was a point of hope for me knowing that God started the world with a husband and a wife.
Instead of someone to come home to and share life with, I came home, dropped my bags in the chair, let my dogs out to go to the bathroom, let them back inside, fed them, ate a banana, changed in to some comfortable clothes, grabbed a light blanket, and laid on my bed staring at the wall. I was in no mood to face the world or do much of anything. I laid on my bed for a few minutes before I just couldn’t help but feel overwhelmed. Then… tears started to fall. I must have been really overwhelmed because without realizing it, I fell asleep and the next thing I remembered was waking up to my phone ringing. Somehow, I managed to answer it and sound alert while still half asleep. I had been asleep for about 30 to 45 minutes and after I said, “Hello,” I began to be amused of how my mind is a slave to a ringing phone, even when incoherent. It was my dad calling to finish a conversation from earlier in the day. Thankfully, it was a long enough phone call where I woke up and didn’t feel like going back to sleep. It was a good conversation, one where it ended with him telling me that he was praying for me and Mr. Right (my wording, not his). My dad had no idea the day that I had lived out in my busy mind. I was especially thankful for his words. I told him that I appreciated his prayers and his continued support. I haven’t talked with either of my parents much about my state of singleness lately – and thankfully, they don’t mention it much either. I’m generally private when it comes to this (except on this blog where the world can read about it – go figure). They have been gracious to not be the kind of parents to keep reminding me of it or asking me about it.
I have some well-meaning relatives and friends that give me their unwarranted opinions from time to time that leave me wanting to say more than I do. (Oh, what trouble I’d be in if thought bubbles appeared above my head during some of the conversations that I’ve sat through.) I just try to keep in mind that they are trying to be helpful. At some point I might explode from all the pieces of advice that people try to give me. It’s like they see a single female and somehow think that I’ve learned nothing in my 30+ years on this Earth. I mean, do I unknowingly have some sort of sign above my head that says, “Please tell me what you think; one more person’s opinion will really help me navigate life in a more successful manner…”
Do I sound like a snotty brat? I don’t mean to come across as that. It’s just that these people didn’t seem to feel the need to give me their advice when I was married. I guess I should be thankful for that; but, being single doesn’t mean that I somehow need it now. I get advice on random things, to include ideas on dating, and while I don’t think that I’m a “know-it-all,” I don’t feel that I need this unsolicited advice. I know very well how to ask questions if I want to know something, such as someone else’s opinion. Ask anyone who knows me and they’ll tell you this… but, that’s part of the problem. They seem to forget this (or just don’t care). I’ve ALWAYS been a person to ask a lot of questions. Most people would probably say that I ask too many questions. I’ve learned to curb this curiosity… or at least verbally. Pardon my rant… we’ll see if this ends up on the proverbial cutting room floor. I’m in a weird mood; so, who knows?
Anyway, I woke up from my nap somehow feeling less down and out of it than I did when I fell asleep. I think about Psalm 30:5 (NLT), “… Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning.” I don’t know that I’d consider my crying to be weeping. They were slow silent tears of despair when I didn’t feel like pulling myself up by the bootstraps. And do you know what? I think God is ok with that. He didn’t give us feelings for us to stuff them away and not feel them. He doesn’t expect for His reminder of 2 Corinthians 12:9 (NIV), “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness,” to override our feelings. He gave us our feelings. We shouldn’t “camp out” there though. We need to remember that while feelings serve a purpose that God gives us promises in His Word to help us in our lives as a whole.
After my dad and I ended our phone call, I surfed Facebook and found an article from a blog site that I regularly read. About that time my mom sent me a text message letting me know that a Doris Day movie was on TV. When I was growing up I used to hate watching old movies. Over time, I began to like them; and, now, I find them endearing. Maybe it’s because life was simpler back then. While it’s a movie and only a portrayal of life back then, I like the escape of a movie from the 60s era. But, I was too lazy to get out of bed and turn on the TV (pathetic; right?). So, I opened up an app on my phone so I could watch it. I watched it for a few seconds before I got annoyed with the buffering (1st world problems; yeah?). So, I decided to get up, turn on the tv, and make a bowl of cereal to eat for dinner. Now, there’s a perk of being single… you don’t have to worry about cooking dinner for anyone and eating cereal for dinner is perfectly ok. Well, when the movie was over, I decided to pick up where I left off and began to read the blog article. The title caught my eye, “The Day I Realized I Had Stopped Dreaming.” You can read it here: https://waitingforbabybird.com/2017/10/17/the-day-i-realized-i-had-stopped-dreaming/
This woman’s story of infertility caught my heart from the time I first started reading her blog. She is also a Christian; and, while I’m not currently trying to conceive a child, there was a time in my life when I was. I have kept reading her blog posts even though I currently don’t find myself in this situation. Her blog posts are so relatable to my journey in my waiting period for a husband (one that I feel like God has already spoken to me about). So, for the second time in one evening I found myself crying, this time with tears flowing steadily while the words of her blog tugged at my heart.
I realized that I had stopped dreaming of the future years ago and even told my mom this while on a long drive in 08/2018. But, when I met Kyle I slowly began to dream again. Then, I stopped again… and, then, I started again… it’s been like this for months now. For the majority of the last few months though I’ve stopped dreaming. However, the past couple of days, even this morning, I was reminded once again that I had stopped dreaming. Which is why “Waiting For Baby Bird’s” blog brought me to tears. She reminded her readers that to dream makes you feel vulnerable… and that dreaming can make you fearful, and even make you feel silly. Boy, do I have a post to share with you about this sometime in the future. I’m not emotionally up for it tonight, but I will tell you that last September I went out on a limb and did something that made me feel all of those things. On top of that, I had an additional quick inspirational thought last fall that had me day dreaming and thinking things so grand that it made me wonder what on Earth made me think that I was qualified to do that? God quickly reminded me that He had already prepared me for this and that if I lacked anything that He would provide to make it happen. God has a lot to do before that happens though. Sorry to be so cryptic, but it will take a long time for me to speak about that one. God has some mountains to move and hearts and minds to touch before that’s ever blogged about.
So, my friend, feel your feelings; God gave them to us in the first place. Tell God your raw emotions – He can handle it! It’s not like He doesn’t already know. Some people will ask why they should tell him and pray if He already knows. It’s because He wants a relationship with you. The God of the universe wants a relationship with you! Let that sink in and then keep in mind that relationships are a two-way street. You need to talk and listen. Don’t always be so busy and distracted that you drown out the voice of God. My Bible has a good quote by Joy P. Gage in it that says, “When we pray, we talk to God; but when we read His Word, He talks to us. As our ‘listening’ skills improve, so do our ‘conversation’ skills.”
My prayer time with God during the last couple of months has been more on a surface level than I really care to admit. But, it’s because I haven’t wanted to feel my emotions. I guess I sometimes feel like it’s easier to not feel my emotions. I know that if I really talk to God that I will get emotional and begin to cry. I don’t like to cry… I’m not really sure why. I guess that’s something that I need to evaluate. I have ideas on why I may feel that way (not willing to share this right now). Anyway – I was fighting God by trying to keep my emotions to myself. I had multiple excuses: I didn’t want to feel them, that I didn’t have time (or want to give it) to get into a deep conversation with God about them, that compared to God my experiences/feelings are nothing compared to what He went through on the cross, etc. Anyway, do you know what happened when I allowed myself to open up to God and be so emotional in prayer with Him? Somehow, (as usual) I inevitably ended up feeling better even though I opened up those wounds to Him. I guess this is what Psalm 147:3 (NIV) means when it says, “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.”
So, my friend, take your broken heart, dreams, fears, etc. to the Great Physician and let Him heal you. You only need enough healing for today. Tomorrow will come and He’ll still be there ready and willing to listen, to provide, and to heal – should you need it.
June 11, 2019
This post has been lingering in my mind for months and it’s taken FOREVER to finish it and proof read it. I have to believe that the Enemy doesn’t want it posted for the hope that it will provide to others. I was left feeling like it wasn’t good enough when I wrote the above portion.
Here’s what’s happened since then. I had another busy and exhausting day last week, but on my way home I couldn’t hold my feelings inside. I barely got out of the parking lot and began my drive home when I began to pray out loud to God and let my feelings out. I was feeling exhausted mentally and physically from my day. I didn’t have time for a break that day and I had just enough time to grab a sandwich from a sub shop and stuff it in my mouth while on the way to my next appointment. So, as I went down the street on my way home, I decided to pour out my heart to God. It came out a bit more in an annoyed tone than I expected, and I contemplated if I was in the right heart and mindset to be speaking to the Lord – the same person who gave His life for us and created the universe. I decided to just go with it. God tells us that He is our Father and I know that children don’t always speak to their parents in a tone that is always quiet and in surrender. I wasn’t being disrespectful – just being honest. As I was driving, tears streamed from my eyes and down my cheeks. They were steadily flowing, and I was in no shortage of words. I was glad to be wearing sunglasses in case a driver from a nearby car saw my expressive conversation with someone that I’m sure they thought was on the other line of a handsfree phone call. Nope – just me and God. I continued on like this for about 20 minutes, and then something in me changed. I began to think, “But even in this time, Lord, I’m thankful for what you’re doing in me and in my life.” As I choked out the words it occurred to me that this is what pure surrender looks like and what God really wants from us. I don’t say this to boast, but to let you know that as I changed from complaining to thanking Him that there was a shift in my spirit… I felt different and better overall. As I began to thank God and praise Him for this time in my life, I began to see the day for what it was… one of hope.
I don’t have emotional days like this very often; but, enough where I was able to give you a compare and contrast in this blog post. I went home that day from work and was able to go about my evening as usual even though my drive home was emotional.
You know what else has occurred to me? That God expects us to tell Him how we feel (not just wants us to do so, but expects us to do so). I mean – look at the book of Lamentations in the Bible. The writer was literally lamenting about things that had occurred – hence the book’s name. And, look at the book of Psalms – wow – talk about some intense times of pouring your heart out to God! Here’s something else that you might not believe given all that I’ve just talked about… I really am living my best life right now. I’m happier than I’ve ever been in my life! Things aren’t exactly where I’d like them to be and I have some crappy days now and then; but, overall, I’m really blessed and my walk (relationship) with God is so sweet right now! I’m really enjoying life!
I pray that you experience this same kind of sweet relationship with God – it’s so awesome! I hope that it doesn’t take a painful situation. If you are in the midst of one right now, then I encourage you to take time to talk with Him and experience His comfort. Seek the Holy Spirit’s guidance in your situation. If you’re not in this kind of situation then thank God and seek a closer relationship with Him in preparation for whatever twists and turns lie ahead in your journey of life.
What’s God doing in your life, friend? Have you taken time to share it with someone? He not only wants us to talk and share with Him about what’s going on in our lives, but He wants us to tell others too… especially of His glory! Find someone to share His grace, love, and hope with today. If you don’t feel that you can do that just yet, then pray to God and ask Him to give you a testimony – He won’t let you down!
God Bless,
Penelope G.
Here’s the song I thinks fits today’s blog post: It’s “Rebel Heart” by Lauren Daigle. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sufQX7NSX2k
PS – This blasted computer has given me fits all the way through this blog post! Aarrrgghhh!