March 1, 2020 through April 21, 2020
Battle fatigue… lately I’ve felt it. I’ve felt like I’m fighting a battle with the world around me, a battle from the spiritual realm, and a battle within myself… and it’s been awful. I keep telling myself not to settle for less than God’s best, but it’s hard sometimes. And, honestly, if God hadn’t already shown me that the type of man that I’m looking for already exists I probably would have given up by now. I would think that what I desire just doesn’t exist… or if it does that he’s probably already married. It’s just hard sometimes when you see most of the world living differently. It can make you feel alone and wondering if you’ve gotten something wrong along the way.
My head has been spinning with thoughts upon thoughts wondering if I’ve understood God and His promises in the Bible correctly. That’s just what the devil wants us to do though – to question ourselves and God. If I took a minute or two to think about God’s plan for marriage, I would know that my desires are in His will and still available here on Earth… that the Bible doesn’t have an expiration date.
I’ve had to fight this battle with prayer, listening to sermons, listening to Christian music, confiding in friends, reading my Bible (unfortunately not enough), and more prayer. The Bible reminds us in 2 Corinthian 10 to take every thought captive to what Christ tells us through His Word (the Bible). I guess I’ve not done that as much as I should. Instead, I’ve been fighting myself and battling thoughts and feelings that I know are not from God.
I’ve wanted to give up and quit – not just in my search for a godly husband, but in many other areas of my life as well. It’s been frustrating. I have some hobbies, some ordinary and some not so ordinary, and I try to challenge myself in them. I also have a pretty demanding job. In all these areas – a search for a godly husband (that would result in a marriage that would glorify God), my hobbies, and my job I’ve wanted to give up or just not try as hard anymore. That’s not who I am though. My mom has a lot to do with that… and my dad; but, I can hear my mom in my head a little more so telling me not to quit. I will sometimes call her and complain, and she’ll remind me of various reasons of why I shouldn’t quit. But, here’s the thing… she knows me well enough to know that I don’t really want to quit… that it’s not who I am inside. Slowing down… yeah, that’s me at times, but quitting… that’s not me. Maybe that’s why getting a divorce was so hard for me (amongst other things). That’s for another blog though. I don’t know what it is exactly, but I just can’t bring myself to quit.
I’ve wanted to quit for various reasons. One is that I don’t’ feel like I’ve seen, heard, or felt any movement from God in a long time where finding a husband is concerned. And, to top it off, I feel stupid for even feeling some sort of way about Kyle. I just feel like he’s etched on my heart. I mean, I still feel like God put him in my life for a reason… more than just to let me know that men like that still exist; but, if God wants him in my life, God will bring him back. I’m not going after him. I been thinking and realizing that pretty much all of the women in the Bible had men that pursued them. I know that some people will say that Ruth pursued Boaz, but their meeting was God’s providence. Yes, she made it known to him that she was interested in him; but, after that he pursued her. I sort of feel like that’s my story as well…. sort of. It’s been a little different here and there, but in a nutshell that’s it. I can make myself approachable and make it known that I’m available, but I’ve decided that I’m not pursuing any man. Maybe that makes me hardheaded and stubborn (shouldn’t be any news to any of you at this point considering one of my last blog posts), but I also feel that it’s Biblical. I’m not trying to say that it’s wrong for a woman to go after a man that interests her, but that it’s not the way God designed women. He made men to be the pursuers of women (emotionally and biologically).
Anyway, in addition to feeling like God has been silent in many areas of my life recently, I’ve felt like so many people around me are living a life that is successful and happy when they don’t even care what God thinks or says. Please forgive me if that sounds judgmental. I’m really not trying to judge them… besides being human, I’m just trying to reconcile in my heart and in my head why God has not seen fit to answer my prayers when it seems like people who don’t even care what He thinks are getting their hearts’ desires. I know that I’ve referenced that in the past, but it’s been somewhat of a pervasive thought recently. I’ve seen firsthand people make decisions about what they want and put them over what God says in His word, and they seem to be living a life of their dreams. I know that I only see one side of the story and that the grass isn’t greener on the other side. Here’s the thing though – sometimes I don’t feel like I have any grass on my side of the fence… only weeds! I know better though. I truly am blessed in many areas of my life. That’s just the devil trying to sway me to act outside of the will of God. In fact, I have similar conversations with God and I’m quickly convicted by the blessings in my life, and not just the tangible kind. I sometimes feel guilty for asking God for more blessings when He’s already given me so much. I know that there’s no limit to His love or His blessings though. So, while it’s hard for me to conceive the depth of His love and mercy, I’ll take it and run with it. I picture a little girl being given a kite and running with it in a field and the wind taking it higher and higher all the while she laughs and looks at her father in amazement. I’m not sure why that vision is in my head, but I just picture our Father giving us good gifts and looking upon us like an earthly father would while smiling and enjoying his daughter running in the field with her kite going higher and higher.
I have to be careful not to envy people. I don’t really think that I am, but I also think that it’s a fine line. I’m not really wanting what they have as much as I just wonder how it is that they seem to be blessed in the big areas of life (now there’s a subjective phrase) and I’m not. If you’ve ever wondered how honest I am with you I guess you’re finding out in this blog post. I’m human – and I don’t say that as an excuse… only to remind you that while I’m a Christian that I’m also human. I don’t want to pretend that I don’t have these thoughts and feelings. I understand that some of them are wrong and I believe that God is working on me in these areas. Also, I think that He’s using me to relate to you. Honestly, it’s embarrassing for me, but here I am… messy internal thoughts and all.
I’ve been tempted lately to do things my way, or maybe the devil’s way… it’s hard to tell sometimes. Although, I’ve been changed from the inside, so I know that it’s the devil trying to work on me. Some days it’s agonizing. That might sound like a hyperbole, but it’s not. God has been there to show me at just the right times why I shouldn’t give up or give in. He’s reminded me of how I would be giving up my hopes and dreams. This would in turn not honor Him. I have grand ideas of how my dreams could honor God, but if I know anything about God, His hopes and dreams for me are even bigger than mine.
Isaiah 55:8-9 (NLT) reminds us, “My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,” says the Lord. “And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine. For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so my ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts.”
We also have Ephesians 3:20 (NLT) where we are told, “Now all glory to God, who is able, through His mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think.”
I’m glad that the Bible tells us that God was tempted by the devil. It helps me to not feel so bad when I’m tempted to give in. I’ve literally had to pray for God to protect me from myself. It’s humbling to know that part of you wants to do wrong, but that there’s another part of you that doesn’t want to do wrong. That you understand that you would be letting God down, letting yourself down, and letting others down. I’ve even thought that I would be letting my future children down if I settled in the area of finding a godly husband. Or, that I might not even have any children to let down if I try to live life on my own terms.
I’ve stumbled in the past, in various ways. I even wondered if I messed up God’s plan for my life. I had to realize that was impossible by reminding myself that God is omniscient. He knows everything – past, present, and future. It’s very humbling, but I’m so thankful! Not long ago, I listened to a sermon that included Proverbs 24, but verse 16 stuck out for me. Proverbs 24:16 (NLT) says, “The godly may trip seven times, but they will get up again. But one disaster is enough to overthrow the wicked.” It’s a reminder that God expects me to get up again and to not quit.
Isaiah 40:29-31 (NLT) reminds us, “He gives power to the weak and strength to the powerless. Even youths will become weak and tired, and young men will fall in exhaustion. But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.”
So, I guess if I’m feeling weary it’s because I’m relying on myself in some areas of life rather than giving it all over to God and trusting Him. It’s hard to do. God gave us feelings for a reason, but when we get stuck in certain ones for too long it distracts us from our focus on God. That’s when we become weary. God doesn’t expect us to be robots and to never experience our feelings, just to not let them control us. We can be sad and yet still know that God is in control. Ephesians 4:26-31 even reminds us that it’s ok to be angry, but that we’re not to sin in our anger. It’s through the knowledge that He is in control that we find the strength to keep on running and not grow weary, to walk and not grow faint. (I know that I’ve said this in the past, but these blog posts are just as much for me as they are for anyone else. I get just as much out of them when contemplating God’s Word and who He really is.)
I’ve been tempted to settle in more ways than just finding a godly husband though. It’s been frustrating. I have to remember that I’ve been bought and paid for at a price – that God died for me and that I need to honor Him in all of my ways. As I’m writing this particular blog post, little snippets of verses here and there are coming to mind. So many so that I feel like I would be inundating you with scripture that it might come across as heavy handed… or as some might say, a holy roller… or a Bible thumper. Maybe I shouldn’t care either way. For now, I’ll leave it at that.
At times I long to be held and be close to someone, both in proximity and in relationship. I’ve even had well intending friends give me some bad advice in this area. They were half joking, but it was the half serious part that had me worried. But, I can’t compromise in this area. There’s no good to come of it, only bad.
I was listening to an online sermon on the One Place app by Dr. Ron Jones (https://www.oneplace.com/ministries/something-good-with-dr-ron-jones/listen/sinning-the-war-within-part-1-805745.html) recently and he said something that really made me think about temptation in a way that I had never thought about it before. He said, “Temptation is the opportunity to fulfill a legitimate desire in an illegitimate way.”
That led me to realize once again that God created us for relationships. Not only that, but that he created men and women to live out their lives together. He made Eve for Adam and vice versa… that He knows that Ecclesiastes 4 would serve as a reminder for singles at times in their lives when things seem meaningless.
I often wonder if there’s some sort of universal sermon plan that’s out there and pastors choose to preach on the same topics at the same time. So often in my life over the past couple of years I’ve experienced listening to the same concept over and over again that it’s made me wonder if God was trying to tell me something because it kept appearing. Well, if that’s the case, then God wants me to learn how to yield to Him. So many sermons by various pastors recently have used the word, “yield” and have spoken about yielding to the Lord and His plan. The concept isn’t new to me, but I can’t say that I recall hearing it put that way or so many times by various people.
One of the things that’s helped me from time to time when I wonder for a split second if God really exists is how He’s come through for me in the past. I told you I was being embarrassingly honest. I’m don’t feel that I’m being double minded either. I think that it’s something that the devil places in my mind now and then. I believe that God exists, but I’d be lying if I said that every now and then when nothing seems to be changing in my life that I don’t wonder where God is at times. The Holy Spirit puts me in check very quickly though. I know that God exists – just look around. There is NO WAY that this world just happened by chance – this world was intelligently designed. Anyway, when I feel this way, I remind myself of how God has been real in my life in the past. He’s sovereign and providential. I don’t believe in coincidences. That’s why it’s so important that we share our testimonies with others. We encourage each other at times when we sometimes forget how God has showed up in the past. Or, maybe there’s someone who feels as though God hasn’t really shown up in their life at all. As Christians we are called to be salt and light. One of the ways that you can do that is to share how God has been real in your life. Share your testimony with others. This may be uncomfortable at times, but your story may be exactly what someone else needs to hear to be encouraged or to learn about God and His loving character.
Another reason I can’t quit and keep deciding to yield to God is that my blessing might be “right around the corner.” God blesses our obedience. In my last post I referenced Hebrews 11:6, but it bears repeating. Hebrews 11:6 (NLT) says this: “And it is impossible to please God without faith. Anyone who wants to come to Him must believe that God exists and that He rewards those who sincerely seek Him.” God rewards our faith in Him as well as our faithfulness to Him and His commands. We need to be obedient with the right heart posture though. We don’t obey to get; we obey to honor Him, and through that He blesses us. I’m learning more and more to be honest with God in prayer. I prayed recently and let God know that I wanted to obey Him, but that part of me also wants to obey so that I can be blessed. It’s pointless to try to hide our thoughts and feelings from God. He knows our thoughts before we speak them (Psalm 139); we might as well be honest and let our thoughts and feelings be filtered by the Holy Spirit as we bring them to God in prayer. He’ll help to correct our hearts along the way.
It’s cliché to say, “I don’t know what the future holds, but I know Who holds the future.” It’s true though. In the past couple of years, I’ve had a personal journey in getting to know the heart of God. His character is to be revered in a holy way. The fear of God is not to be fearful of who He is, but to respect Him and be in awe of who He is and all that He is capable of… but, to know that in His character of love, grace, and mercy that He wants a relationship with us. God even disciplines us in love (a topic for another time). I have to remind myself of this from time to time. And, as noted before, God has given me an earthly father who loves me dearly and would move Heaven and Earth for me if he were able to do so. Because of this, I’m able to remind myself that my Father in Heaven loves me that much more… in a way that I can only begin to understand on this side of Heaven.
I also can’t help but feel like the devil is working hard in various areas of my life because he knows that God is working in my life in a mighty way. While the devil is not omniscient, I know that he understands the greatness of God and is smart enough to know when God is up to something wonderful. He wants to stop it, so he tries to stop us by using his bag of tricks in an attempt to overcome God’s plan. They’re old tricks… unfortunately ones that we often fall prey to, sometimes repeatedly. God doesn’t delay unnecessarily though (Luke 18); I have to remember to stay the course. In this period of waiting God has been refining me, and I believe using me for His glory – not only for now, but in preparation for the future. I can’t wait for God to bring about a transition to this part of my life and answer my prayer for a godly husband. And, if my prayer request concerning Kyle is within His will then He will make that happen as well. Even people who aren’t believers will say, “Wow!” if that happens. It’s so far from the realm of earthly likelihood at this point – for various reasons – that even they will more than likely give pause to consider the realness of God and His providential hand in our lives. I pray that my story will bring Him glory. I have to be willing to be used for His purpose though. I’m open to God’s plan for my life, even if that means that it’s different than my current hopes and dreams. The thing is though, I know that God WILL grant this prayer request and desire of my heart IF it is within His will. The Bible says so in various books of the New Testament (Matthew, Mark, John, and 1 John). So, I’m going out on a limb in my faith – knowing that my desires may not be God’s will for my life and thus may not be answered. But, if that happens, I believe this – that God has something or someone better in store for me. I’m certain of that. But, wow – can you imagine the stories that will be told if my prayer request is within the will of God and He answers my prayers?! I feel like God is in the business of dramatic pauses so that He can show off when He shows up in a particular situation! The thing is, “risky faith” is godly faith. My faith honors Him and that’s all that He wants.
My battle fatigue may come and go. It may last longer at times than others, but my means of fighting through the battles are not complex. They are exactly what I mentioned earlier in this post… prayer, listening to sermons, listening to Christian music, confiding in friends (like minded believers), reading my Bible (unfortunately not enough), and more prayer. Although, I’ve added to this recently by doing a Bible study with a dear friend. That’s a two-fold approach to battle – studying the Word and doing so with another believer. The time we’ve spent speaking about the topic we’re studying (which happens to be spiritual warfare – see info at end of blog for details) and how God is moving in our lives and refining us has been soooo refreshing! It doesn’t mean that the battle is over, but the burden has been lighter. In a way, it’s been shared. We’ve been praying for each other, and oddly enough going through some similar trials (in various areas of life). Our Bible study has been timely for the both of us. And, there’s something about talking with another believer that will lead to conversations with a greater depth of understanding the Word than if you did it alone. Don’t get me wrong – God will give you an understanding of the Bible when you read and study it alone, but it’s different when you gather with another believer. The Bible even tells us that where two or more are gathered in His name that He is there also (Matthew 18:20). We make sure to start our study sessions in prayer and I believe that God is using the study to speak deeply to each of us.
The timing of this post has been interesting. I wrote the majority of it the first day that I sat down with my computer. I put off finishing it for various reasons though. I actually started it prior to beginning my recent Bible study on spiritual warfare. It’s been reaffirming to know that my “strategies” for fighting battle fatigue were in line with what the Bible study has been teaching. In fact, we just went over part of this last week. It’s nice to get that confirmation. If you’d like to learn about this topic, check out the info below.
Until next time, my friend, I hope that you seek God and His direction for your life. I promise you won’t be disappointed. I believe it to be true even while I’m in the midst of my own battle. Let’s be faithful to God – He’s always faithful to us.
God Bless,
Penelope
G.
I encourage you to not only take part in the Bible study on spiritual warfare, but to do so with another believer. You won’t regret it! Also, everything that you study or listen to is backed up 100% by the Bible, with references. My friend and I have been following along with the Bible study guide that is offered on the website of Living On The Edge (a Christian ministry). They aren’t needed to do the study, but they are very helpful.
Chip Ingram’s sermons on spiritual warfare via YouTube:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4oerk-KTlVo
He also has various resources (for free as well as for a fee) on the ministry website of Living On The Edge (founded by Chip Ingram).
https://livingontheedge.org/topics/crisis/crisis-invisible-war/
Ps – You can see that my issue with timeliness hasn’t gotten better as this has progressed. I’d appreciate your prayers in this area.
Pps – The song that goes along with this blog post is, “Grace Got You,” by Mercy Me. Why you ask? –– “Why? ‘Cause there ain’t no storm that can change how this ends.”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xtiUjNT_vAM