October 2020
It’s been forever since I’ve written a blog post. I have my reasons… both good and bad, but none of them really matter if you know that God has wanted you to do something and you haven’t done it. I don’t even know where to begin. So, I’ll just leave life and its happenings out of things for now. Outside of COVID-19, it’s been quite a ride for me thus far in 2020.
One thing I will say is that I’ve been wondering how to get some of my thoughts and feelings out appropriately for this blog post. Sometimes I feel like it might come across like I’m wishy washy, and I’m not… I’m just hardheaded at times and once I finally do get things through my head I move along. However, because I am like that (unfortunately), it can sometimes take me multiple times to understand things or fully hear what I think God is telling me. As far as anyone knowing God’s specific will for their life, His Word will only take you so far… you have to wait for God to speak to you to know the details. God has given us life’s general guidelines for living in the Bible in order to be within His will; but, often we have to seek Him to try to discern life around us and His plan within our lives. Add in your own free will and sometimes it’s enough to make your head spin. Other times…. well, God won’t do much of anything other than have you in a sit and wait mode… or rather a “be still” mode. This is where I currently find myself.
Over the past couple of months, especially a handful of times within a few days, I was repeatedly reminded of the first part of Psalm 46:10 where we’re told to “Be still, and know that I am God…” (NIV). I’ve heard it in sermons online, at church, through social media, and even saw it on a side door of a car wash (one I later went through again to see if I was seeing things correctly). However, what I didn’t know until recently is that the original phrase to “be still” isn’t as literal as it might seem. As it turns out, it’s translated from the Hebrew language of the Bible to mean to “cease striving.” The verse hit my soul a little differently after that. Around that same time period, I was also reminded about Exodus 14:14 when it says, “The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still” (NLT).
My greatest prayer right now for my life is for God to bring me a God fearing and loving husband. And, for those that are wondering about Kyle… well, I have thought about that situation and have come to believe that God does not see fit to answer that prayer with a “yes” as far as Kyle is concerned. I’m okay with that (it took me long enough to realize it; huh?) and can actually thank God for not answering my prayer in that area! I thought as much months ago, but only recently had some of my thoughts concerning the situation confirmed after I prayed for clarity. I had prayed for clarify prior to this as well; but, I have to admit, I was scared to look for what I had prayed about. That doesn’t really make sense does it? Well, sometimes we do things that don’t make sense. I believe God was/is protecting me from us having a relationship, and I’m thankful for God’s omniscience.
Recently, when discussing life with a close friend of mine, to include this information, she pointed out that Kyle was basically the answer to my prayers, as far as what I wanted in a husband, and that it still did not work out between us. She had a good point. I hadn’t thought of it that way! I’m so thankful for honest and discerning friends! Kyle had pretty much all of the qualities that I’m looking for, but he fell really short in one important area that I probably wouldn’t have known about for quite some time had I not acted out of my own character at the time. So, I guess God spared us both from a relationship with each other. I don’t think of him as a bad person though. I’ve just had to look at things from a different perspective to see that while someone seemingly had all the qualities that I was looking for that it didn’t make for a good match – that God has a better match in mind. It might not look like what I think it does though. In hindsight, I can also see that I was not ready to date at the time. I thought that I had healed from my past relationship/divorce, as well as some experiences I had after that. It’s true what they say though… if you don’t heal, you’ll hurt people who didn’t hurt you.
I don’t understand it, but God did answer my prayer of wanting “to meet a guy like that” (read my past blogs to understand what I’m talking about). I got to experience it, ironically (or rather, providentially), with that exact person. I don’t think he’s a bad person, just that as of right now God is telling me (for reasons not fully known) that he’s not best for me. I have a glimpse as to reasons I believe to be “why,” but nothing definitive. So, in the meantime I’m just praying for discernment and for my will to match God’s will for my life.
A big thing that I finally realized was that while my relationship with God has grown throughout my life, even throughout my painful divorce, that it was the end of my connection with Kyle and the idea of the relationship that we both described that my relationship with God finally became very personal. My Heavenly Father became so real to me in summer 2018! I could have gotten mad and turned away from God, but instead I began asking questions and looked to the Bible for answers. I was like a sponge and couldn’t absorb it fast enough! At times, I would read the Bible and the words seemed like just letters on a page; but, more often than not, those words came to life in ways hard to describe. It was like the verses were specific to me and my situation. God was speaking to me through His Word and it made a difference in my perspective. I began to see God’s hand in my life in so many ways, big and small – opening doors and closing them, shielding me and blessing me. I felt so close to God, even in the very painful moments when it felt like a rug had been ripped out from under me.
It’s been a wild ride since then and I’ve learned a lot. Admittedly, I’ve not been reading the Bible as much as I did when I felt so desperate for answers. There was even a period of months that I barely read it at all. I’m back to reading the Bible somewhat regularly – not every day, but I want to get back to that point. I’ve grown exponentially as a Christian and as a person in general since summer 2018.
Still, I’m left wondering what the hold up is as far as my prayers for a godly husband being answered. I’ve had to honestly examine myself. No one will ever be perfect, but that’s not an excuse to avoid addressing sin that we know God wants to correct. I do know of areas I need to work on and that I’ve been praying about, but nothing that I think is holding up my prayers from being answered. I could be wrong though. Still, God has used this time to grow me, and I know that He’s still working on my future husband too. God does not delay unnecessarily.
During the past two years, I’ve had highs and lows. I’ve learned to really trust and lean on God. There are some things in life that other people just cannot help you with – things that you have to go through on your own to learn. I’ve learned to rely on God. I’m still in the process of learning to wait on His timing. As you can imagine, this is easier said than done. However, Romans 5:4 (NIV) tells us that perseverance produces character and that character produces hope. I feel like I’ve been on quite the journey in the past two years. I can tell my character has changed, for the better, since summer 2018. There are definitely ways that I can still improve though. I have a verse framed in the entryway to my home of Romans 12:12. It says, “Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer” (NIV). I sometimes stop and stare at it, assessing how well I’m doing in certain areas of that verse. Once in a while I feel like I’ve managed to be successful in all three simultaneously; but, most often I feel like I’m failing in one or more areas.
Besides the “Be Still” verses that I mentioned earlier, I’ve also had another verse that’s popped up a few times. It’s Habakkuk 1:5. I was prompted in my spirit to read Habakkuk over a year ago and didn’t know why. However, after reading the first two sentences I began to cry. It spoke to the very same thing I had just talked to God about minutes earlier. Then, in early 2020, I came across this video clip of Billy Graham from years ago, talking about the same book and chapter. In this short video clip he speaks about Habakkuk 1: https://www.youtube.com/watch?reload=9&v=t7rdbHaoMZ4. When I watched it, it hit my soul in a way that gave me hope! It made me think that maybe God is having me wait during this seemingly long period of time because He’s working on something so great just for me – that if He told me in advance, I wouldn’t believe it. That’s my hope and my prayer! After all, I’ve already prayed for God to do a mighty work, one like Ephesians 3:20 talks about when we’re told that He can do more than we could ever ask or imagine. I’ve asked Him to do just that! This would also give me a great testimony to share with others about God’s faithfulness!
Some people might ask, “Who are you to ask for something like that?” I’m nobody – except for the daughter of the Most High King. On my own I deserve nothing but Hell; but, because of the blood of Christ, I am able to call on my Heavenly Father for a life that I could only imagine. I can also look forward to a future in Heaven someday. Sometimes as Christians we miss out on a lot of blessings because we think we aren’t worthy… and on our own we’re not. But, I’ve been redeemed because Jesus died on the cross for my sins (and yours) and then rose from the dead to conquer death. Because of His sacrifice, my sins are forgiven, and I’m allowed to ask for and walk in to blessings that I wouldn’t believe if I were told in advance. I’m reminded though that sometimes those kinds of blessings take more time than we might like or expect. Until then, I’m clinging to Jesus as best as I know how and trying to “Be Still” and wait on Him. I’m not trying to strive to be “good enough” or manipulate situations, just praying and trying to live out Romans 12:12 while I “wait expectantly” as Psalm 5:3 (NIV) describes: “In the morning, Lord, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait expectantly.”
With that said, I’m looking forward to the future! If you’d like to ask God to be your Lord and Savior and to redeem you from your sins, check out my page on “Accepting Jesus.”
Friend, when was the last time you spent time with God – either in prayer or in His Word? Have you taken time to quiet yourself in His presence to listen for His voice? Make time so He doesn’t have to take the time to get your attention. Is there a situation you need to give over to Him, one in which you need to cease striving to see what happens? Friend, be still so you can have your own, “You wouldn’t believe it,” moment!
God Bless,
Penelope G.
The song for this blog is “Nobody” by Casting Crowns:
Why You ever chose me
Has always been a mystery
All my life, I’ve been told I belong
At the end of a line
With all the other Not-Quites
With all the Never-Get-It-Rights
But it turns out they are the ones You were looking for
All this time
‘Cause I’m just a nobody trying to tell everybody
All about Somebody who saved my soul
Ever since You rescued me, You gave my heart a song to sing
I’m living for the world to see nobody but Jesus
I’m living for the world to see nobody but Jesus
Moses had stage fright
And David brought a rock to a sword fight
You picked twelve outsiders nobody would’ve chosen
And You changed the world
Well, the moral of the story is
Everybody’s got a purpose
So when I hear that devil start talking to me, saying
“Who do you think you are?” I say
I’m just a nobody trying to tell everybody
All about Somebody who saved my soul
Ever since You rescued me, You gave my heart a song to sing
I’m living for the world to see nobody but Jesus
I’m living for the world to see nobody but Jesus
So let me go down, down, down in history
As another blood-bought faithful member of the family
And if they all forget my name, well, that’s fine with me
I’m living for the world to see nobody but Jesus
So let me go down, down, down in history (Go down in history)
As another blood-bought faithful member of the family
(It’s all I ever wanna be) And if they all forget my name, well, that’s fine with me
I’m living for the world to see nobody but Jesus, yeah
I’m just a nobody (Nobody)
Trying to tell everybody
All about Somebody
Who saved my soul (Oh, saved my, saved my soul)
Ever since You rescued me
You gave my heart a song to sing (You gave me a song to sing)
I’m living for the world to see
Nobody but Jesus (Nobody but You, Lord)
I’m living for the world to see nobody but Jesus
I’m living for the world to see nobody but Jesus
Here’s the song if you’d like to listen to it: https://youtu.be/1yBzIt_z8oY